The next book in the What You Didn’t Expect Series is almost here

• Tweet

• Tweet

I’m in the final stages of releasing the next book in the WYDE series.  What You Didn’t Expect When You Procreated Your Punk will be available later this summer.  Here’s a short piece of the working draft from your next favorite book.

If you or your spouse prepared like my wife did for our first, you came home from the hospital with a home stocked with enough “essentials” for a small African village.  While that village could probably find a use for every item including the packaging, you’re going to throw most of the shit away.  That is unless you started reading this book before whipping out your credit card.  In that case you’re well ahead of me because I need to sell about 7,000 copies to break even on the money I wasted.

The following is a list of items you can’t live with out no matter what potential disease your hippie friends tell you that your child with contract as a result of their use.

1. The bulb.  It’s a small rubber suction bulb that is used to pull moisture from your child’s various orifices.  Babies don’t blow their nose and are fucking miserable people when they can’t understand why drainage system for the top half of their head quit working.  The great thing about the bulb is they give you one in the hospital.  The bad thing is if you forget to take it home, it’s impossible to purchase one of the same quality.  This may seem trivial, but if you don’t have this when you need it you will risk prosecution to sneak in the hospital and steal one from the maternity ward.
2. Baby Wipes.  Babies are filthy fucking creatures, and in spite of this their skin is so sensitive they can contract a diaper rash from one of your farts.  You would think that the master of evolution would have figured out that maybe it isn’t the best idea to allow a kiss on the cheek from Auntie to fester into a scab that resembles a gunshot wound, but they haven’t.  Parents are constantly wiping unfamiliar substances off their children’s skin to prevent infection and reassure judgmental passerby’s that there is, in fact, running water in their home.  No amount of back stock will prevent you from running out, so purchase 20% more wipes than you can effectively store in your home and thank me later.
3. Acetaminophen and Ibuprofen.  Listen, I completely understand your dedication to your moral quest against the pharmaceutical companies.  But, let me assure you that all that takes a back burner when you’re pacing your child’s room  in the wee hours of the morning begging the gods not to allow the fever to cook his little brain into a Rain Man or Aston Kutcher state.  Buy them both.  Use the one that seems to work best for your kid.  Then when the night comes that you’re able to light fireworks off your baby’s forehead, there’s a good chance that your pediatrician will recommend that you to administer both medications at alternate times to beat his fever and prevent your heart attack.  I’m no doctor so wait until you hear from one before you feed any mediation to any mammal, but again, you’re welcome.
4. A good thermometer.  This one is simple.  Stalking the aisles to find the cheapest unit will only put you in the ER attempting to explain how your child has a fever of 147°.  Buy the good one and save money on something that doesn’t feed you the wrong answers like the nerdy asshole you sat behind in physics.
5. Lanolin and diaper cream.  Friction causes raw skin and blisters.  This happens on nipples, assholes, butt cheeks, and various other areas.  The first time you see how quickly lanolin fixes a nipple blister you’ll start your quest to find to the location of the fountain that contains the magic that they mix it with.
6. Gas Drops.  Babies cry.  If sleep and food won’t fix it, chances are a few of these blessed drops will.  A fart has never sounded as sweet as when it comes from the ass of a quiet baby.

Now that you know what you do need, let’s talk a bit about the things that are a complete waste of time and money.

1.  Bandaids.  Babies don’t fall unless you drop them.  Unless you’re an asshole or a British nanny, no sense it stocking up on repair kits.

2.  Too many diapers.  This may seem like an odd statement, but picking the right diaper is like picking the right spouse.  You have to shit on a few before you can tell which one is the right fit.

3.  Baby wipe warmers, grooming kits, and other bullshit.  The first few months are nothing but a series of hours between what goes in must come out.  The process is naturally uncomplicated and as many things as there are that can piss off a baby, vanity isn’t one of them.  There will be plenty of time for useless purchases.  For now, chill the fuck out and enjoy the simplicity of your situation.